


farming mangoes in tahiti

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Feat. Hentai tentacle, Pearl x Mayor Dewey otp, Probably Really Cringey, SEXY MILF PRIYANKA, crackfic, mentions of pee and biology to pee, shitposting at its worst, slight rupphire and lapidot but not really, they are all bros in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 04:32:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18613219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ruby and Amethyst interrupt Jasper so they can hang out (and praise the lord)





	farming mangoes in tahiti

**Author's Note:**

> uh so yeah I wrote this at 3 am kind of some months ago. i felt I needed to post something after ignoring my other stories but now I’m having second thoughts
> 
> this is also my contribution to all the fics ever that have jasper, amethyst, and ruby as friends. I really enjoyed reading those. 
> 
> but since I can’t write seriously for shit, I present you this

Farming mangoes in Tahiti 

“Sup jasper how’s is it goin dude” Amethyst slurred at her. She entered the new barn where Jasper was sitting on the floor and working. The barn itself was rather clean and even pimped out since Lapis has other cribs to shoot up heroin in now, things were going well.

Amethyst was drunk on a special concoction (made of expired lean, soy sauce, windex, strawberry vodka, embalming fluids, tuna can water, hot dog water, and a gallon of Pearl’s salty pee) Ruby was stumbling trying to follow but tripped and didn’t get up, she gagged and threw up on the floor. Her purple friend stomped all over her vomit . 

Jasper just grunted in reply . She didn’t want to be rude but she was busy putting white powder in baggies for Lapis. Apparently, humans loved this white powder and payed quite a lot for it. In return for her work, Lapis had given Jasper food stamps and a can of expired jelly cranberry sauce dug out from the pantry(she saw lapis dig it out).

Back on homeworld, Jasper wasn’t allowed to own anything, despite her status. She was truly grateful for the gifts

Ever since being healed at the pool party things have been going slow, but that’s for the better. Jasper is learning, and it takes time to adjust. She and lapis didn’t have much beef anymore, and she even shared her knowledge of earth with her, like saying it was ok to put metal in a microwave and a toaster. Jasper hasn’t used either but they were on her list.

Amethyst struggled to help Ruby up while keeping her own balance. Jasper thought they looked really stupid and defective as they stumbled and kept falling.

After Amethyst’s fifth failed attempt of trying to help Ruby up and then falling into the vomit again, Jasper was starting to pity them, seriously why the hell were they acting so defective? What had they consumed?

“A little help, Jasper?” Amethyst forced a smiled from the ground while Ruby was groaning and choking in her own puke.

Jasper stood up and towered over the both of them before picking them up.

“It’s been a while but you’re still pathetic as ever. Hah”she pointed at Ruby and laughed. This same red gem was half of the savage war machine that whooped her ass a year ago.

“go fuck yourse-,” Ruby wheezed and threw up again

Jasper tossed them both to the couch and grabbed a tiny chair and took a seat, making sure to look them dead in the eye

“What the hell happened to you guys, Amethyst you never act this...retarded..., and this is the first time I’ve seen YOU in a while” She gestured to them both, Jasper wanted answers. Earth was sometimes a boring place but this seemed really entertaining. She wanted to be fucked up like them too

“Amethyst put Pearl’s piss in the FUCKING DRINK I MEAN COME ON THAT SHITS SO GROSS YOU KNOW THAT PEARL HAS BEEN FUCKING MAYOR DEWEY AND HAS CHLAMYDIA RIGHT?!?” Ruby was recovering to her normal epic self and continued 

“FUCK YOU STUPID AMETHYST, IF I GET GEM AIDS SAPPHIRE WILL NOT BANG ME ANYMORE I HATE YOU”

“Ya just gotta deal with it, and Hey! Pee tastes awesome” Amethyst relaxed into the couch, she didn’t care for Ruby’s yelling ,”and so what if Sapphire stops bangin u dude, just go date that dumb orange sapphire-what was her name?- pamperrash- yea jus go fucc pamperrash”

Ruby stopped her shouting and actually thought deeply about the garbage that came out of Amethyst mouth. If she was desperate It could work...or it could ruin her marriage but YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE LETS GET IT

Jasper had listened intently to every word said but was just a little confused

“what is pee?” 

30 minutes and a biology lesson later, Jasper was now with her dingaling out peeing in a cup across the room

“Woah this is epic” jasper laughed. this was really fun

“I told ya haha” Amethyst laughed with her

“So what do you call this game?”

“The ‘pee on Connie’s hot mom’ game”

“Why?”

“I want to pee on connie’s mom”

“Heh ok” Jasper couldn’t disagree with that logic. Perhaps one day this “Connie’s Mom” would allow the huge quartz to indulge in a hefty worthy pee. that would be an epic moment

 

—————

When Jasper got bored the three of them left to get fucked up again. They entered the newly fixed beach house and took note of everyone who was there. 

Sapphire was sitting at the counter and had a gamer headset on while playing roblox on a laptop. She was extremely focused and they could hear sword lunge sounds and “oof” 

Peridot was eating a burnt mac and cheese samich but already regretting it she couldn’t shapeshift and the food got stuck inside and rotted for weeks sometimes, she got up with wide eyes 

“LAPIS HELP ME GET THE FOOD OUTAHHCKGHGMmmmmmm~” lapis shoved a hentai water tentacle down peridots throat making the thicc gremlin blush and moan. Instead of taking out the food tho she made peridot deepthroat the tentacle, spit flying everywhere 

“MMM~”

“STOP IT YOU NASTY FUCKS” Sapphire looked at them angrily for interrupting her gaming moment, it was an unforgivable sin. She grabbed the laptop and fucking threw it at them. It hit and severed Peridots spinal cord instantly paralyzing her, now the only thing she can eat is applesauce and lapis’ water cock. Peridot collapsed and gurgled. She was permanently disabled and brain dead. 

Lapis snorted and jumped out the window breaking glass and killing herself. She poofed and they heard her gem thump onto the sand. nobody moved to get it tho lmao

Sapphire floated down towards Ruby and gave her a kiss and hugged her and Ruby in her drunk state was just scared and in shock LIKE WHAT the FUCK just happened?Sapphire basically just killed somebody....oh my god 

Ruby was horrified and looked at her dumbfounded companions. They just stared back at her blankly, too scared to show fear.

Sapphire was smiling and looking at her expectantly and Ruby realized she was so stupid she should’ve been paying attention now she didn’t know what Sapphire said or how she should respond to evade death and she just crippled Peridot and Lapis kermited suicide. Ruby took a deep breath. She had to say one thing, just one thing it’s gonna be ok-

“Guacamole Nigga Penis”

“...what?”

“I said GUACAMOLE NIGGA PENIS”

Like some magic words were said, everyone snapped out of their trance.

Ruby jumped over Sapphire in a very extra showy flip and zoomed towards the temple door, in reality she just barely managed to jump over Sapphire without kicking her and staggered like a drunk idiot

“AMETHYST OPEN YOUR DOOR” Ruby screeched 

“ON IT CHIEF!” Amethyst dabbed, and opened her door, the three gems rushed inside like if they were too slow they had to kiss mayor dewey 

Sapphire stood there for a couple seconds then left the beach house, to pick up a new laptop and maybe another nintendogs game. 

————

“YAH YEEEEET” Ruby was so thankful she was alive 

“YOOOOO WE MADE IT BRO” Amethyst screamed in her ear while she threw an arm over her shoulder then took a few steps back

Amethyst did a the fortnite orange justice dance and then a whip and nae nae. Ruby joined in and they both danced in victory, they would live to see another day. Jasper was angry that she couldn’t dance because it was too confusing , so she did a simple dab.

They got sick of dancing and huddled around Amethyst as she mixed a bunch of random things together to create an abomination*minecraft witch laugh*. She handed a measuring cup full of black oily liquid to Jasper and a less oily but pitch black one to Ruby.

“Bottoms up dudes, this is that special shit” She tapped her own measuring cup against Her buddies cups, “cheers guys”

 

—————-

 

110 HOURS LATER

Jasper’s eyes snapped open. The whites were completely red and her vision was blurry. She groggily sat up except her entire being was throbbing in dull pain starting from her gem then spreading outwards. She probably passed out for a couple of minutes hopefully nobody noticed that would be so embarrassing 

Jasper shakily stood up and dug herself from the trash she was buried in. When she reached open air her entire world was in bright neon color. The walls and ceilings bent and merged together in exploding color it was amazing

She was not alone though, she could hear a low hum of tv static and loud voices and a possum scurried by with its babies on its back.

“AMETHYST WHY DID YOU GET THE MAX AMMO I DIDNT RELOAD”

“YOU STOLE MY KILLS RUBY, FUCK YOU”

“AAAAAHHHHHHHGGH” a shriek of rage

Jasper followed the noise and found Ruby and Amethyst sitting on a beat up couch with a big but old tv in front of them. The both of them looked crazed, Ruby’s eyes were unsettling pinpricks and Amethyst had even messier hair full of knots and shit stuck in it. There was gunshots and weird groaning and screaming coming from the tv.

“What game is this?”

“Black ops 2 zombies” Amethyst said without looking at her

Jasper grabbed an extra controller and sat between them, breaking the couch in half and leaving her on the floor

“Start a new game and put me in”Jasper said

“But we’re already on round 24 wait until we die” 

“No just add me in you won’t have to carry me I’m probably good I swear”

“Ugh fine” Amethyst reset everything and Ruby just huffed in anger

The game was restarted and Jasper instantly got the ray gun from the mystery box during a fire sale but killed herself with it

“BRO I GOT THE RAY GUN REVIVE ME PLEASE BRO PLEASE JUST REVIVE ME I HAVE THE RAY GUN OH MY GOD THE SCREEN IS GETTING RED BRO JUST REVIVE MEEEEEEE”

Amethyst died stupidly in trying to revive Jasper and Ruby laughed at her cause she had monkey bombs and selfishly didn’t use them.

“FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT RAY GUN YOU’LL JUST STEAL THE KILLS”

“NOOOOOOOOOO”

Ruby let Amethyst and Jasper die so she could have the most points and kills and flex with the pack a punched ballistic knife and SMR(the best weapons in her opinion)

However the ballistic knife is complete ass and Ruby died

Everyone was silent as they didn’t even make it to round 10 and they were all devastated they wanted to be good gamers not piece of shit ones

Ruby cried in frustration and got up and started smashing the tv. Jasper just looked sad, she lost the ray gun...life was not worth living, she stared with empty lifeless eyes

Amethyst looked at them both and realized they were each retarded. Amethyst let out barking crazed laughter, she didn’t wanna deal with them anymore. She grabbed an entire pitcher of black cloudy liquid and drank it in one go. She poofed and her gem plopped onto her half of couch

Ruby stopped destroying the tv and looked at the purple gem on the couch

“Bruh. she really just died...weakkk” 

The red nibba looked at Jasper and she didn’t really know what to do. They were both friends with Amethyst, not really with eachother, and things were getting kind of awkward

She noticed Jasper was still severely depressed from losing the ray gun but what could they do? A light bulb lit up and she had a great idea(which was actually a horrible shit idea)

“Hey Jasper do you wanna go find Connie’s mom?” and maybe Ruby could find that off color sapphire, now do not be mistaken Ruby is NOT a cheater she just likes to window shop. 

Jasper forgot about everything that just happened and stood up proudly to answer that question whilst pounding a fist to her chest

“YEAH I wanna pee on her! I even trained for it”

“Ok sweet let’s get going then”

The two of them left Amethyst’s room, Ruby thinking of the most awful plan she has ever conceived.


End file.
